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Progress Post and Guest Drama

With 82 days until our wedding, we are a little behind, but we are confident we'll get everything done. I still have to find a florist, as I was going back and forth for the longest time on whether or not I wanted flowers, but I couldn't think up a good alternative. I was originally going to get them from our local supermarket, but our cake designer is rather finicky and I don't know how well that would go over with him. For the amount of money we've put into the cake, the last thing I want to do is upset him.

We are still looking for our rehearsal dinner location, which hit a few snags when his mom kept adding people to the guest list. We got emails back from two places that look promising.

After having some issues with our hotel room block, we finally got that all settled.

His ring is in. Mine is still on its way. This is my ring.

We're in the last bit of addressing and assembling the invitations, and that is where I hit some drama.

My cousin was originally supposed to be my maid of honor, but she backed out of my wedding completely to buy a house with her boyfriend. While I was upset, I had been thinking of asking her to step down to a bridesmaid, as she hadn't shown any interest in my wedding at all, though she had been very enthusiastic when I'd first asked her. This was in February 2013.

Since then, I hadn't really talked to her, as she can be a bit of a hermit. She's not very good about returning calls and she deactivates and reactivates her Facebook page so often that I stopped trying to friend request her each time she reactivated it. Well, in November, I looked to see if she was back on so I could confirm which address she wanted the invitation sent to, as she had mentioned that she had trouble getting all of her mail delivered to her. She accepted my friend request and told me she had moved back home with her dad, since her lease ran out and she got engaged.

After scrolling through her page to try to remember her boyfriend's name, I discovered that she had gotten engaged in August. And that she was engaged to someone that wasn't the guy she left my wedding to go buy a house with. I was really pissed, to say the least. I had thought we were much closer than that, given that I had asked her to be my maid of honor.

We had a huge fight just before Christmas, as I had gone to pick up my dress, and I wanted to have lunch with her so I could let her know how she had hurt me. She tried to bring her fiance without asking me first. I was upset, since I wasn't ready to meet this guy until I'd told her how I was upset. She sent me this really nasty text, so then I called her and left a voicemail trying to explain that I had things I wanted to talk to her about in private, and I didn't appreciate her not asking me ahead of time if it was okay to bring this guy. She called me back, and before I could even tell her what it was I'd wanted to say, she launched into this tirade about how I was immature, and a few other lovely things. At the time, I was at home having my mom strap me into my dress so I could show my dad, so I had put her on speakerphone, and she got so nasty that my mom started to tell her off.

We finally calmed down, and she apologized, saying she was sorry that she had upset me, that wasn't her intention, I'm her cousin, she loves me, she wants our kids to be close, etc. etc. She said she wasn't going to unfriend me on Facebook or anything like that. She still wanted to come to my wedding, etc. I apologized as well, telling her that I just wanted her to know how I felt before I met this new guy, because I was just too upset at how I was informed and all that.

About a month or so went by and we were still friends on Facebook. Then it seemed like she stopped posting, which wasn't very surprising to me. Yesterday, I looked for the old message thread we had used before to ask her once again which address I should use, as she had mentioned in the middle of our fight that she would be moving again. And her name was black, but there was a profile picture.

She had blocked me. She also blocked my older brother. But she didn't block our dad.

I don't know what to do. She got a save the date, so I know etiquette says that I should still send her an invitation. My dad said I should be the bigger person and send the invitation. My fiance doesn't want to invite her after all this crap. I'm torn. A large part of me doesn't want to invite her, but then another part says that she IS my cousin, and she swore that she would be at my wedding, but then this seems to make it clear to me that she wants nothing to do with me ever again.

Has anyone else dealt with something like this?


( 16 raised glasses — toast the couple )
Feb. 3rd, 2014 01:47 am (UTC)
That does sound like a tough spot to be in.

I would honestly talk to your family about how you feel. Are your parents close to your cousin's parents? Will her absence be very conspicuous? Talk to your dad about how you envisioned your cousin not only attending your wedding, but also being a big part of it, and how much she's disappointed you and showed a lack of investment in it at all. He might decide to change his stance on her invitation, or he might stand by his desire to invite your cousin, if only to minimize "family drama" that her absence would create.

To be completely honest, in your shoes, I would just send the invitation to one of her parents' addresses and trust them to forward it to her. Since she's been so flaky, it sounds like she might even miss the RSVP deadline as it is. Even so, on your wedding day the number of people who support and love you will vastly outnumber those who have been negative about the process; give your cousin the opportunity to surprise you with support and compassion on your wedding day and leave the ball in her court. If she wants to be there for you, then she will. And if she doesn't want to, then she won't go.
Feb. 3rd, 2014 04:38 am (UTC)
This is a cousin on my mom's side of the family, and that side is... complicated. My dad doesn't think that she'll come, he just thinks I should be the more mature one. She didn't come to my brother's wedding, and while she claims to feel awful about it, I had dinner with her and her then-boyfriend (the one she was going to buy the house with) the night before (rehearsal dinner was two nights before the wedding) and she didn't seem to care at all that she was missing it. No, "Tell him I'm sorry I'm not going to be there," nothing. She didn't even RSVP that she wasn't going to my SIL's shower.
Feb. 3rd, 2014 05:17 am (UTC)
Eek, this sounds frustrating. But I agree with your dad: be the bigger person and like the other comment suggested, send the invitation to her father's address. And that's all you have to do! The best part is that chances are, she won't come or even RSVP. So it's her loss!

I just think in the long run, no matter where you stand with your cousin in a year, five years, 10 years, you'll probably look back and feel better that at least you made the effort to still include her among your guests.

(Just speaking from experience when one friend decided not to invite one of our good friends for some reason or other--not due to the same exact situation you are in. Her wedding was six years ago and despite the falling out, they're back to being friends and she's regretted it ever since.)
Feb. 3rd, 2014 10:17 pm (UTC)
Thanks. I have decided to invite her, given that I really don't think she'll RSVP at all.
Feb. 3rd, 2014 08:04 am (UTC)
I'd send an invitation. You'll be so busy on the big day, even if she does attend you won't have to have much contact with her anyway. If you don't send one, you're confirming there is a problem on your side too and I wouldn't bother living up to that! Otherwise you'll have her creating further issues about how she 'wasn't invited' etc.. put the problem onto her and leave it at that.
Feb. 3rd, 2014 10:18 pm (UTC)
Thanks. I hadn't thought that I probably wouldn't be dealing with her too much. I have decided to send the invitation.
Feb. 3rd, 2014 12:31 pm (UTC)
As others have said, I'd just send out the invite, it sounds unlikely that she'll come but at least if you send out the invite then it's on her if she misses it.

I had a vaguely similar situation with one of my bridesmaids (ex bridesmaids I should say!) I asked her fairly early on in our engagement to be a bridesmaid, after a couple of months she split up with her then boyfriend and it seemed to break up the entire friends group, since then nothing's really been the same between us and we faded out of contact, less than a year later I find out on facebook she'd got engaged to this other guy (I'd told all my friends in person I was engaged before announcing it on FB so I was kind of hurt by this, as well as thinking well, she got with this guy literally a week or so after coming out of a 4 year relationship), she THEN announced her wedding date... which was MY wedding date, that people had known about since almost the beginning of us being engaged. I felt really hurt and angry and de-friended her. She recently added me back (hasn't spoken to me since though so no idea why lol) and she ran off to get married in January... so that was that I guess! but still, at least I don't have any obligation to invite her or speak to her again as she's not family
but dramas with guests/bridesmaids etc can be really stressful. Hope it all works out for you on the day!
Feb. 3rd, 2014 10:22 pm (UTC)
The first thing my parents told me to do when I told then she was engaged was to find out when she was planning her wedding for, since they were afraid she'd pick my date! She said 2015, but if she had picked my date, there's no way my mom would ever speak to her again (and she's my mom's sister's daughter). Actually, no, she would have cursed her out, then never spoken to her again.

I'll send her the invitation, just so she can't use that against me.
Feb. 3rd, 2014 04:57 pm (UTC)
I would send the invite. Send it to her parent's house so they can forward it to her. Since she is engaged I'd invite her with a guest (If you don't know his name just write "guest"). I think eventually you'll be glad you stepped up and invited her. Family is messy and complicated, but in the end you're stuck with them. If she chooses not to go, it is on her.
Feb. 3rd, 2014 10:15 pm (UTC)
I have his name, but my even my dad said to write "and guest." He said even if she RSVPs that she's coming and writes his name to still write "and guest" on the escort card, since we never know with her.
Feb. 4th, 2014 01:21 pm (UTC)
It would seem that even if you did send an invitation at this point that your cousin may be very likely to snub your wedding to continue the cycle that she has been perpetuating all through your planning. I would forego etiquette, as it seems she has done the same.
Feb. 5th, 2014 10:47 pm (UTC)
That was my gut reaction, but I don't really want her to somehow use it against me that I didn't invite her even though she has been making our relationship really difficult. So, she's invited, and now if she doesn't come, I'll have something to hold against her, since she had sworn that she would come to my wedding, even after our fight.
Feb. 11th, 2014 04:15 am (UTC)
I suppose the High Road option is usually the better course. :)
Feb. 11th, 2014 11:59 am (UTC)
Ha. :) Yeah, I guess that logic doesn't technically make it the High Road, but I'm still pretty mad at her.
Feb. 5th, 2014 02:53 pm (UTC)
I had a falling out with my best friend from high school just after we started college. I met my husband in college, and she knew him before the falling out. Over the years we gradually spoke more and more, but the friendship was never the same. One of my biggest regrets is that I didn't invite her to my wedding. I wasn't trying to be spiteful, or avoid drama, but at the time I thought it would be awkward/needed to cut the guest list somewhere. And even though now she's in a different part of the country, we correspond often and I consider her a very good friend.

It doesn't seem like if she *did* attend your wedding that she'd be a huge distraction or cause a host of embarrassing problems, so I say invite her. That way you can be the bigger person in this moment and if your relationship with her improves over the next few years you won't regret not inviting her later.

Also, just because it struck me as odd... Why does your baker care at all where you buy your flowers? Does he have a preferred "partner" that he recommends to clients? Even then, would he really be upset that you bought flowers at the grocery store?!
Feb. 5th, 2014 10:45 pm (UTC)
I have decided to invite her. I doubt she will even RSVP.

I actually had a falling out with my best friend of many years after we entered college. We have tried to be friends again, but it always ends in a big fight a few months later, so we have given up. My MOH actually said that this friend was asking if she was invited to my wedding. I'd feel awkward inviting her and allowing her to bring a guest, but I don't object at all to one of our mutual friends bringing her, so we will see if she comes along as a guest.

Our baker is just very particular. He has had florists mess up cake flowers before, so there are some florists he trusts over others, and I think because grocery stores have mostly set packages, they've been harder to work with.
( 16 raised glasses — toast the couple )


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