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Bridesmaids Issue

I just need to vent.

I got engaged in February, and picked out my bridesmaids soon there after. I have six total: 2 of my college friends, 2 friends from work, and my 2 sisters. (one is older, one is younger) Now, since I'm not particularly close to my sisters and since they live half a state away, I asked my best friend to be my MOH. My sisters didn't care, because it meant less work for them.

In July, my sisters had a falling out. No one is quite sure why, but it has lead to some tension since my older sister pretty much wanted the rest of the family to cut my little sister out. No one is willing to do that because the fight seems petty (honestly, neither of them will way what happened, so we have no reason to just stop talking to her). My older sister then picks a fight with me over politics, tells me I have no career (I'm a chemist in a forensics lab, but whatever), that I don't know the "real world" because I live close to my parents and not the "big city", and that she knows more about my field than I do (she went to school for art). Since then, we have not spoken. I reached out to her on multiple occasions since then to say hi, or to talk wedding stuff. She has never answered, and instead whines to my mom about how I have it easy, and I feel like I'm entitled (neither of which are true -- I worked full time and when to school full time for both my degrees). I wished her a happy birthday last month, and got no answer. She also blocked my fiance on facebook for no apparent reason. She's been very angry with my parents through email and phone calls over random things; she also has a history of dependency, both on prescription drugs and alcohol. She's heavily in debt. My mother thinks she's jealous over me getting attention over the wedding while she herself isn't getting married (which isn't our fault -- she's dating her boss and no one can know).

I'm beginning to freak out a little bit. I need to get bridesmaids dresses done NOW. The wedding is in June. The easiest route would be to just say, screw it she's not in the bridal party anymore, but I can't: my mother is paying for the ENTIRE wedding and wants my sister to be in it.

I don't know what to do. Even if she does 1)get a dress and 2)show up (and those are pretty big ifs), I am terrified of her behavior at the wedding. I'm at a complete loss and beginning to freak out.

Any advice?


( 6 raised glasses — toast the couple )
Dec. 13th, 2014 09:35 pm (UTC)
Set a date for BM dress shopping in e-mail. CC your mom. Keep her in the loop. It is your sister's responsibility to show up. If she doesn't show up, give her a link to buy the dress online. If she doesn't buy her dress, she doesn't get to be in the bridal party. Put it all on her.
Dec. 13th, 2014 09:37 pm (UTC)
Also, have a very open conversation with your mom/sister. Let your sister know that you want to share this special time in your life, but that you are getting the impression that she doesn't want to be part of it. If she blows up at you, then she's just injured herself. Let your mom know the same thing - that you want the big, happy family picture, but that if your sister doesn't want to be in the picture, there's nothing you can do about it. At that point, make your mom the steward of your sister, who follows up with your sister, is in charge of making things happen, etc.
Dec. 14th, 2014 02:27 am (UTC)
+1 to both of these comments
Dec. 13th, 2014 10:09 pm (UTC)
I agree with raisedbywolves0 that the best move would be to set the date in a public way by email, making it clear that you look forward to seeing everyone at the appointment and CCing everyone in (including your mother). I also agree that if anyone can't make the appointment, the best move is to send them the dress link, etc. and just let the expectation be understood that everyone will get the dress and be available for the wedding and all wedding duties. If your sister decides to kick up a fuss, let her know that you've made it as easy as you can but that if she doesn't want to do what needs to be done to be in the bridal party, there's not much you can do about it.

I disagree with bringing things up for discussion with your mother and sister. In my experience this just leads to more drama, so I'd just try to stick to what needs to be done for the wedding, while of course being open to discussion should someone else raise the topic.

As for your sister's behaviour at the wedding itself, there's not much you can do beyond not inviting her at all, which does not sound like an option you'd want. Maybe try to seat her and your other sister apart as much as possible throughout and hope she is respectful enough not to let her personal issues affect your special day. (And I know I was so highly strung planning my wedding that I'd never have believed it, but even if she does act out at the wedding, it will hardly 'ruin' the day. After all, you are marrying your fiancé! Anything else is just background noise, really.)
Dec. 14th, 2014 10:15 pm (UTC)
I totally agree with the advice so far. It is not your job to make your sister be in the wedding. If it is important to your mom, then your mom can pressure her. Openly doing your part is all you can do. If your sister won't do her part, then your mom can be upset with your sister. Not your job, not your fault.

As far as, if she comes to the actual wedding -- do you have someone like, a cousin, or a more responsible childhood friend, who will be there and is close to your sister? Maybe ask this person to play the role of a "babysitter" who can keep an eye on her and escort her out and send her home in a cab if she becomes disruptive.

You might also talk to your mom about ground rules (because it is still YOUR wedding) such as, if sister is drunk before the ceremony, she cannot be in it.
Dec. 16th, 2014 11:34 pm (UTC)
Does your mom know that your sister isn't getting back to you, etc.? It's one thing to want someone to be in the wedding, but another if they're not cooperating in any way. If your mom wants her to be in the wedding so badly, and she's not talking to you, have your mother contact her. That way also your mom can see that you did try, etc.

Has your sister behaved badly at events like this before?
( 6 raised glasses — toast the couple )


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